We are currently hunkered down waiting for the sky to finish falling. So far it looks like about 6 inches of it has, I'm told there's still 12 inches up there according to the Weather channel. It appears to be ice crystals, so it probably won't make for good snowman snow as I'd hoped. It would be excellent to ski on, though. Too bad we're at the bottom of a valley.
I finally got to talk with Bob about my 5 year plan and show him what I had in store. I must admit that I was afraid he would look at what I'd written up and have some comments about it - that it was unrealistic, that I was being selfish in my goals, or that in general it was stupid.
Instead, he read through it, mentioned that he was thinking the same on a lot of my goals, and that he thought they were all wonderful. I must admit that I stared at him in disbelief and relief for a second. Since I'd created it in a vacuum, not knowing what his own goals were for the next few years I was afraid that I was shooting for something that would go against plans he had in his mind so we would be at odds. This isn't the case at all, and I am mightily relieved.
Now that he knew what I was trying to do, I was free to admit that I am swamped with trying to accomplish things and set them straight in these first few months of setting up my goals. I've been going crazy nearly every day, and that I've been unable to get everything done that I've wanted so I was exhausting myself trying to. On top of this I've been scared that if I didn't have the house completely clean, on top of working on school and trying to exercise and do all of these other things that I would be perceived as screwing around. Being out of work right now I do feel that I'm a drain on us and that I'm taking an unfair break while Bob works. I was most concerned that Bob was carrying an unfair burden because I was laid off. He assures me that the house is being kept tidy, and that I should be focusing on school. As long as I'm not failing, the house can get a little cluttered and dirty.
I was so relieved I actually cried. So silly to hold on to those old things and not talk about them with him until now!
I must thank the snowstorm because we got to go to the diner and talk with each other as a means of getting out before we had to stay inside as civilization digs out. Over strawberry pancakes for me and a steak for him we got to reconnect, experience the snowfall (on my nose and cheeks, it felt wonderful. I don't remember the last time I felt snow on my face) and I got to pour out how I felt I was letting him down by letting the dishes sit in the sink while I worked on my personal goals. I've been informed that the dishes can sit, that I'm a little silly, and he's excited for what I have planned. Even now I am tearing up a little bit to think on it. I feel released to move forward and hadn't realized how much my worries were sapping my energy and holding me back. I'm ready to jump forward now. It feels good.
To date I have managed to do yoga twice a week, and I am gearing up on the exercise portion and writing portion of my 5 year plan. I'm clearing up knitting projects to get them out of my queue and letting that energy go as well. It's like a giant cleansing. And to go along with it, I've officially lost 8 lbs. and I seem to be keeping it off. I've also kicked my habit of drinking soda and coffee mindlessly, switching it out for tea. Everything feels possible now, and as each goal falls away I feel excited that more momentum is gained towards the rest.
As I look out now, even in the time of writing this there is perhaps another half inch of snow on the ground. It's begun to creep up the porch to our back doors where it is banked up against it in a white drift. I have missed this winter and am happy to see it revisit with ferocity. Any time nature steps forward to remind us that we are not truly the masters, I like to smile and take the opportunity to just curl up in my den of a house and appreciate the schooling.
When I get up to walk Zen in the morning, I think it'll be quite difficult to get out the back door. I look forward to watching him bounce through it.
Time to sleep, drifting off to the sound of ice crystals sliding across the window glass.
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