Monday, February 28, 2011


Proof that dog gets more use out of craft room than I do... also. #1 reason a lint roller is kept next to the meditation cushions.

Beyond "hobby" and straight down the rabbit hole in to obsession...

I have many hobbies. If I allowed people to see the yoga/craft room, it would be obvious in an instant, because the place looks like this:

This after I cleaned up a bit because there was a small avalanche when I went to dig some yarn out for an Emergency Stash Transfer earlier this week.
Also... I don't know, I'm on the fence. Do you think I need more white plastic craft shelving in that corner?
Other people have "guest rooms", but since we don't often receive guests and I would never put beloved friends and family members in the direct path of an Art Supply Avalanche, this room is where I go to meditate, stare at my mess, then get up 30 seconds later and try to organize. Sometimes there is yoga. Most often there's a dog and a cat on the floor leaving their wads of hair everywhere.
But what's interesting is that the smallest shelf there, the one you almost wouldn't even notice, is the one I've probably dumped more time and money in to. It's the one under the bright green square box that currently holds my backlog of 26 rolls of 35mm film discovered while cleaning up boxes a few months ago. But that's another story for another time. And no, not the bright green box on the left that's tall, that has my backlog of 120 and 110 film. The one on the right, down low. There ya go.
It's flat, white plastic, and inside it is the majority of my camera gear. The digital camera and a few other things aren't in there.. the Nikons, for instance, have their own bag.
I really dig photography. Perhaps I'm not too terribly awesome at it, but it's fun to see something, think "I want to show other people this moment in time", snap, and walk away with something really neat that might be appreciated later by someone else. Is it an art? Sure, in the hands of other people. I like to think of what I do as "ADHD moments". Something brilliant, momentary, flashes in the pan and there's not long to catch it. Say, a group of the elderly catching shade where they can at the beach, staring wistfully out to sea while listening to a guitar player ply his craft in the deep shadows...

(clicky will embiggen for awesome hazy details)

There are other moments, too, but this would turn in to a huge photo post and let's not do that right now. You get the drift. My attention shifts constantly, and it's a struggle to find something that will encapsulate what I'm looking at, why I love something so much. Really, in everything I do it's an attempt to reach out and say "Here, I feel this, I see this, what do you feel? Is it the same or different?" because I'm fascinated by human connections and what triggers pleasant things for one but unpleasant for another. People can come together over a photo that evokes emotion, even if it's not the same emotion. This is what I want to insert more of in to the world. That, and while we are being completely honest, hoping to find more kindred souls out there who dance to a drum, even if it isn't the same beat as mine own.
It's not art that I want to make, although it is deeply satisfying to manage something that others might consider it(even with the subjectivity of the entire designation to begin with.) It is, instead, a trail of breadcrumbs, moments that show in a bright flurry of action, or pattern, or color, or even LACK of color, the experiences in life that seemed really neat, and that others might have fun in sharing.
I lied, I am going to put one more photo out. This one.
This is "Umbrella Fields", the photo I took that ended up landing me a place in the Krappy Kamera Exhibition for this year. That isn't why I'm putting it up here though.
When I took this photo it was a VERY hot day on the Jersey Shore. Ocean City, to be exact. I looked out over the beach from one of the piers and marveled at all the color. The Holga was raised, the shutter was clicked, and I hoped that I had truly captured the shock of all that color on to film (Holga is old school, or "analog" as it has come to be called/derided in the photography community. It uses acetate and chemicals for make de images) The problem is that I wouldn't know until I got it back from processing, and that means a loooong trip across country to Oregon to the only place I will trust with my film.
Allow me to pimp them here, for Blue Moon Camera absolute friggin' rocks, and is able to process just about any film format you can image. Also, if you write something on the order form like "Please for the love of god process everything as C-41 and ignore the label that might say otherwise," they make sure to note that they did, for the love of god, do that in their notes. Awesome.
When I got the photo back, it WAS bright. IT WAS colorful. But my thought was wow, this seems so very flat. I remember it stretching so much further. I remember the swath of umbrellas being broader. To me it seemed that the moment I wanted to capture wasn't quite the one in my head. Without a second thought, I scanned it, dumped it in to my deviantArt account, and moved on with life. I was somewhat disappointed, thinking that it was not the perfect image I'd hoped it to be.
But then something very strange happened. DeviantArt communities got a hold of it and started to pass it along through features. I was sent several request to add it in to galleries of groups I didn't belong to (I think I have since joined 2-3 of them to see what lovely work others produce). It is one of my most viewed pieces of artwork on the entire sight, and when it went up on Flickr the same thing happened. It was then that I started to realize that just because it didn't perfectly match ~my~ memory of what it looked like, it didn't mean there was no power to evoke powerful memories of the beach and summertime for others. At least, this is what I assume is going on, as all decisions to like or dislike art really come from a gut reaction.
When I was putting together my portfolio for the Krappy Kamera Competition it was actually my second to last choice to go in. I didn't think it would be good enough, honestly, but perhaps the bright colors might be nice...? Of course, at this point I'm glad to have made that choice, as it was the only one that is going on exhibit tomorrow. And I do think it was the colors on one hand, but also the strong pull of memory and emotion on the other that probably helped it along.
It's my hope to keep going taking more photos, doing work that speaks to people and showing them the fleeting flash of moments in life. My work is not like Ansel Adams because I am not Ansel Adams. I don't see like he did, and I certainly don't have that kind of patience or the ability to reckon that technical knowledge. But if I can get a thousand people to react with a smile at seeing a photo of fifty billion umbrellas in the hot summer sun, then I think I did my job.
By the way, if you find yourself near TriBeCa in NYC and the SoHo Photo gallery during the month of March, stop in and visit the 50 gloriously beautiful images produced by people with a plastic lens and a grand eye for detail. It's an honor to be among them, and you'll get to see some of the best photos from the lomography/low fi photography community you'll find anywhere.
With photography I impact the maximum number of people the quickest, and it's probably why this has become my "crack" of choice over all the other things I do. Creation is nothing without the breath of an audience to carry it elsewhere, make it grow. It also lets me observe the human condition more closely than any other means... a reverse voyeurism, I suppose, given that people would be looking at my images but I would be watching them. Hey, I'll admit it. :)
In the near future we'll have to revisit the crappy camera collection, as it has grown and why have a collection if you can't show it off??
Thanks for listening to the ramble.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Actual Conversation #95 - where cultural stereotypes are addressed

*begin scene with yours truly wandering downstairs to see what husband is up to, noting Robert De Niro and Ray Liotta on the screen*

Bob: Hey *obviously lost in movie*
Me: Is this one of the Godfather movies?
Bob: Yeah, that kind of thing.
Me: *donning NJ/Italian accent* I see dey got Ray Liotta dere.
Bob: Actually, he's Irish in this.
Me: Irish? Wit a name like Liotta? That's... what do dey call dat? I-roh-nee.
Bob: Indeed it is!
*further watching of screen shows Joe Pesci on the screen*
Me: Oh! Is dis dat Goodfellas movie? Wit all a dem Italian actors in it?
Bob: Yup! *beaming proudly at me for recognizing ANY gangster movie at all*
Me: You know I'm only doin' dis Italian accent 'cuz I can't do an Irish one, right?
Bob: I love you.

(A closing note, shortly thereafter mention is made by husband of Jewish people being included in the plot. I spent an hour asking my husband and my cat and dog why they never call... it now occurs to me I have no idea if there really are Jewish people in Goodfellas as I've never seen the movie, and that my husband may very well have just said that to hear me do the accent.)

Nalbinding - because we don't have enough going on...

I don't believe I've had the singular joy of rattling on about the joys of an ancient Viking art form that requires taking a single needle, a handful of yarn, and making something to wear with it - while NOT being crochet.
I know. Crochet is kind of the only thing that uses one stick, right? I thought so too... until I stumbled across a beautifully worked hat done in a fashion I'd never seen before.
Now normally this is where I would set out a photo of the thing I saw. Honestly, I've looked at so many examples and so many styles since then there's just no way whatsoever that I could find that object. This is not important, however. What IS important was that moment of discovery, the spark of inquiry that resulted. I was immediately hooked (pardon the crochet pun) and had to burrow in to all the info I could get. Immediately.
Unfortunately, unlike a lot of previous attempts at makin' learnin', it turns out that not too many people do nalbinding. Of those people that do, a LOT of them don't speak English, or else just don't feel inclined to translate their web pages in to English from Finnish, Swedish, Danish, Norwegian, Icelandic... it has largely survived thanks to the efforts of the Viking's proud descendants, who saw what their relatives were doing with a chunk of wood that had a hole in it and a whole lotta thread and thought "I have GOT to get on that bandwagon."
Apparently nalbinding predates knitting, crochet, most other methods of garment creation by a few thousand years. It would seem this is true, because they even have archaeological digs to back this up. Even cooler -and what tugs at the inner science-geek for me- is that most of the stitches are named after the dig sites the samples were unearthed at.
Now, to go this long without showing you an example is a bit silly because a lot of you are probably thinking "dear god, how many other ways to wrap yarn around itself ARE there?"
Well... this is one:

And this is where I get a bit smarmy and say with some sort of assumed knowledge that I do believe that's the Oslo stitch, done in many different types of yarn/thread/whatever that shiny stuff is.
To say that it is addictive is like saying that chocolate is a good idea to give to a woman...obvious. If you watch anybody that does it, it should be obvious they love doing it. This, and the plethora of videos on YouTube on the subject should be enough to convince anybody that those that know how to do the craft, love the craft.
Generally speaking, wool is used... the good stuff, the grungy stuff ripe with bits of straw and lanolin almost oozing off of it is best, and handspun makes a lovely presentation because it is already a lacy-looking stitch to begin with. It will show off the texture of handspun beautifully in whatever it's worked with.
Now, the tools are also ridiculously simple. You need, first and foremost, yarn. Wool yarn, although some say that silk is allowable based on some historical findings. You will also find that people that do this take pride in the historical nature of the craft and therefore are kind of hardass about sticking with tradition. That being said, acrylic would be an utter failure with this craft as the means to join the yarn when you've run out of "live" yarn to work with won't function and nobody wants to weave in that many ends.
So yes. You need... yarn. And you need your "nal" - or "nadel", "naal", or "needle" as we call them these days. And then you work some loops and you end up with something that's pretty epic looking.

This, btw, is not my work, and neither was the first. Credit, ALWAYS, where it is due. :)
As you can see, it's a series of loops laced through one another, and the end result, depending on how thick or how thin the yarn is, can look like anything from lace to a serious, solid piece of fabric. Based on what I've seen, the most popular things to create with them are hats, socks and mittens. Which is basically the same as what knitters and crocheters do, honestly, so it just seems to me that if you've got a woman that plays with yarn in your family, eventually you ARE going to get a pair of socks from them no matter what their flavor of fiber craft.

< ---This, btw, is my own creation. Made from some gorgeous Manos del Uruguay in the "V" coloration (which I have dubbed "cinnamon") and incredibly warm. This was basically just a tube worked in the round, nothing fancy.

There is something very soothing about the repetition of the stitching, the looping, the creation of something both lace-like yet incredibly solid... and also the joy of knowing that even if you cut the sucker in half, it won't unravel! Dropped stitches just are NOT a problem with this thing.

While I am not one for tutorials I will provide a few links for anybody that falls on this page and finds interest, since it IS pretty cool and requires a minimum of equipment as well as storage space (I toss all my nalbinding projects in my Hello Kitty lunchbox with room to spare.)

First off... YouTube is absolutely your friend. Just go, type in "nalbinding" or "Oslo stitch" and you are off. There's at least two dozen videos out there that show how to go about working the various stitches, how to do it in the round, and how to make joins or work rows.

If you're in need of some awesome nalbinding needles, everybody I know sings the praises of The Spanish Peacock. They sell handmade needles in a few different styles as well as a few of the books available that cover the subject.
I personally went to Mielke's Fiber Arts for my stuff and got the book by Sigrin Briansdottir as a starter for things. I also grabbed a bone needle, which I later turned out not to like so much as it was splintery on one edge and rubbed my thumb. They sell wooden needles as well, which is what I now use and highly recommend. In addition to that, they also sell some gorgeous handspun wool from Bartlettyarns. I grabbed some in a light grey and it's wonderful, fluffy stuff. Another cool side benefit, the lanolin in the wool put a nice shine on all my wooden needles!

As far as sites for information, I direct you to the following:
~Basic Nalbinding
~Viking Girl's Workshop (videos of the stitches are on this site, so it's of particular use)
~Bernhard's Nadelbinden (available in German and Dutch as well as English.)
~Dilletante Nalbinding (a few helpful tutorials, but also really nice if you just want to look at a whole ton of nalbinded items)

It's not often I go crazy explaining a hobby and start listing sources, so I hope some folks find this useful. It really is a very restful craft, and so far I've really enjoyed the arm warmers and socks I managed to cobble together from it. In addition to learning something that the Vikings used to do (!!), it also has the cool "historical reenactment" factor going for it. If you're in to that, anyway. I know I am. It's easy, it's portable, it'll get people who are really in to Making Things With Yarn curious and asking about what you're doing, and it might make you a few new friends. What's not to like about a hobby that'll do all of that for you?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Never quite finished.

It is a joke among friends of mine that it is impossible for me to do one thing at a time from start to completion, and it is a joke because it's 100% correct. At any given time I've got 7 things up in the air. During any given week, I fumble and drop at least one "ball" because of it. Yet I wouldn't do it any other way, and please tell me if you find this is true, too.(because as mentioned before, people like to have others who share experiences!)
For instance, this is my current roster:

~Currently I am in the middle of an art project where I am doing 30 different paintings/drawings/collages, all around "poppies" I have only made it to drawing #5 and it has gone by the wayside as other things have come up

~I have 2 separate nalbinded hats going; one is in bright red peruvian wool that went through a commercial mill, the other minimally processed light pink merino that still has awesome bits of hay stuck in it. The idea is to see which goes faster and which produces a better toque, hence the comparison side by side. I am disappointed to see thus far that the overly processed bright red appears to be the better of the two.

~I have one mohair shawl waiting for finishing made from yarn my brother and SIL were sweet enough to get for me for Xmas. It's beautiful. I love it. But the lace edging is proving highly frustrating, which is why it sits. I have literally knit the first row up 6 times trying to learn the chart.

~I have another lace scarf in delicious pink alpaca that I started well over a year ago... the Hanami scarf on Ravelry, for anyone familiar... I even bought beautiful small iridescent beads to try to put around the edges to give it a bit more weight and dazzle. It is a rotten failure and needs to be completely torn out, as I realized I'd been knitting from the bottom up and had the entire pattern backward. I'd intended to wear it one year to the Philadelphia Cherry Blossom Festival, but seriously think that will not be this year.

~There are no less than 3 pairs of socks on needles right now in various stages of being worked... only one is close to being finished, and it's only the first sock. I still have to knit up its mate. The others are far behind in terms of being done.

~I have a crocheted sweater that needs the arms reworked so I have a better neckline (It's a raglan). I've been working on it for 3 years.

~2nd time around knitting the husband a sweater... same pattern. Going faster this time, at least, as it's on smaller needles and I don't have to keep checking the pattern every 5 minutes to see what needs to be done next.

~For some reason all this fooling around with sweaters makes me think I can craft one from scratch with no pattern... I'm working on a short-sleeved hoodie done entirely in seed-stitch. I've never knitted a hood before, or the kangaroo pouch I want to put on the front. I suspect it won't be a big deal, but my brain goes in to overtime doing stitch calculations to get the shaping right in my head... and I'm still not sure it's right.

~A decent handful of half-finished amigurumi projects littered about the house that haven't been worked on for a year.

~Tunisican crochet skirt with a "honeycomb" stitch to show off the colors.

~Tunisian crochet purse that is done with the crocheted part and is currently waiting for me to go sit the hell down and sew it a lining already... probably an hour's worth of work, tops.

~Pajama pants waiting to be sewn out of the awesome navy blue plaid I found with Hello Kitty's face all over it.

~fabric is sitting around intended for at least 2 teapot cozies.

~a sketchbook project that was initially just ot test my art supplies out on Moleskine paper, it currently houses several cryptids. IT hasn't had an update since December.

~plans are underway for add-on objects and a PC Character for my favorite video game, Minecraft.

~The shiny new spindle has been going overtime while I try to teach myself how to spin an even sized thread from my various piles of fluff I've accumulated.

One of the things that keeps coming back up is that there is something in these projects that I wanted to learn or experiment with. It would be easy, and maybe accurate, to say that once the learning was done the project no longer interested me. I have, for example, made the better part of a dozen socks using simple knit and purl stitches. I find that though I may like the yarn I'm working with, the monotony of plowing through straight knitting is getting to me. Therefore, to make it more interesting I've decided that each set of socks I do next will have something new about it... the way the heel is done, toe-up, etc....
The same with all of the other projects. Each of them is teaching me something, even if it's just "Patience, woman!". Whereas I used to get frustrated because I couldn't finish everything, or projects sat around, I've come to the realization of why I really do these things - to learn, to have a new skill to use later on, to prepare myself to be able to create without patterns. For me the entire point of doing anything is to learn from it... but also, to have the awesomeness of a really cool looking finished object to use, show off or wear once done.
I was told a story when I was a teenager about two scientists that were constantly at each other over their methods... could have been during the Renaissance, could have been later. My memory fails me at this point... in that one would run his experiments through to completion and the other would simply stop halfway through and move on, leaving his work apparently "Unfinished" according to outside eyes. One day someone finally asked the seemingly flaky scientist why he never finished his experiments. He replied "I have learned what I wanted to from them. I can move on."
Obviously this stuck with me. It seems important to note that many people operate in this fashion, with an economy of motion and energy in regards to their work. Why is something unfinished? Because they've gotten what they needed from it. To put any further energy in to the whole thing is wasteful, not when there is so much else on the roster to learn! I feel for those people because I'm among them. These half-finished piles of yarn and graphite and cloth sitting around my house are really just a testament to the learning process at work. I enjoy each and every one of them while I am learning from them. When they are gifts for others, I also thoroughly enjoy the crafting for the gifting...
OH... oh yes, another important reason I create stuff. TO GIVE IT AWAY.
I am like a crack addict when it comes to making stuff for people. The only thing that drives my fingers to fly faster in their work is the thought that somebody might enjoy what I'm working on (husband's sweater, and some of the socks are for him). Or enjoy seeing the item I produce with what they've given me, in the case of the lovely, lovely mohair my brother and SIL gave me.
And, of course, there's also the overwhelming NEEEEED to create something, anything, as long as I'm working on making something that never existed before. And of course, as you're working on something you realize you could change X, or redo Y. So in the end if it takes 3 times as long, or you pause because you know you can parse a better way to work everything out but you know given time it'll come to you, or you set it aside because you know you won't like the object and it's taught you everything you wanted to learn from it.... then you're in good company. Scientists hang out in this realm of "doing stuff", after all.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Caps lock challenged...

It's pretty obvious that we are all human. Well, those of us that can log on and read these words anyway, unless you are a very talented cat or dog. If that is the case, please dear multiple GODS leave a comment on this post because I want to know about it.
A lot of time is spent on the internet bemoaning the idiocy found on said internet. It seems like an exercise in wasted energy if you take a step back. Two things. A.) The internet is populated by people. A lot, lot, LOT of people. More showing up every day. B.) People are human. Humans do dumb things. Expecting otherwise means you didn't check the source code properly before deciding you didn't like the program specs, honestly.

What most people are missing, it seems, is the fact that multiple strata of society are getting to experience one another for the first time via our lovely interwebs. The east coast can stare at the west coast. The northerners can oggle the southerners. The Alaskans can feel smug for having a lot of snow, and the Floridians for never seeing a flake of it. But for the first time we can actually take a step back and see what life is like in New York/Chicago/Seattle/Ontario/Perry County via photo, and via the words of the people who live there.
If the human mind is only given to remembering a few faces and names at a time, and is pre-programmed to learn how to behave in given situations based on their class, race, gender, religion and what have you, then it must come as a mini culture shock each time they run across a different set of values on the internet. Think that's why there's so much screaming? In every post that tells you you're an idiot for believing as you do, the words really being said are "I didn't grow up as you did, this is what ~I~ have experienced. I can't comprehend how you grew up right now, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that people have no problem with X."
That's really it. The internet doesn't give time for people to adjust to what they've seen. They're hit in the face wiht something unlike anything they've known and sometimes against everything they've been told is right. And as quickly as a mouse click, you can rise to confusion, then anger (because really most angry statements I've been graced with came from people caught off guard and not allowed to process.) Anger, on top of more input, perhaps in the form of comments, and our usual tendency to break down in to a duality about things when there's more than two sides to any issues, and you have an entire population that just needs to feel as if they're right about what they know and how they're brought up. We're clashing ideologically the second we decide to click on anything. It goes beyond trolls or the self-righteous and digs deeper in to the need to be accepted and acceptable.
When you see people laid bare like that, defending what they've grown up knowing and hearing what they're saying beyond their claims on your competency or your mother's marital state when she gave birth to you, it's hard not to have anything but understanding. You're mad about gay marriage/the war in Iraw/oil spills/liberal media? I've been in that place. I've had my anger, too. I feel you guys. We don't agree, but that's just fine. We've got one better going on here. We're beyond who's right and who's wrong and straight on in to compassion.
It's hard to remember that when someone is yelling in all caps that you must have the IQ of a barnyard animal, and I've tripped up even in this last week and hollered about my own crap based on junk like this. But in the end I understand why it was done, and that is far more satisfying to me than being right.
People are not idiots. People are organic beings that can only operate from their frame of reference. It takes more to reach out and understand that frame of reference, and I would dare say those that do are the far more competent ones than those that sit in their comfortable places and declare the rest of the world insane without thought.
But then... I've been that person, too. And here is my empathy for you guys, too. :)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Afraid of Our Shadows No More

For the first time in, well, anytime I can remember bothering to take note, the groundhog did not see his shadow and we are bound for an early spring. Noteworthy enough, but it brought up the thought -why on earth would an animal be afraid of its own shadow? Surely it knows it has one, accepts it as something present in the environment or as a recognizable and constant stimulus when the sun is out...?
Ahh, the fun one can get out of the anthropomorphizing of animals!
But in thinking on it, I realized something really silly. I've been hiding a lot myself, afraid of "shadows" each time I poke my head out... in terms of criticism, misunderstanding, the ghosts of things that might happen that probably won't but hey, that doesn't stop my brain from worrying about them.
These might be those very "hooks" that Pema Chodron talked about, though usually they're associated with anger, getting caught up. It seems to me they might work for anything, since fear often skips hand in hand with anger in many peoples' lives.
I had originally wanted to have a place to detail my thoughts where they would not be seen by the majority of people that knew me... I will be honest, I knew that they probably wouldn't like what I read. At the time I took a great deal of pride in being blunt and anger and derisive comments came to me far more easily than compassion or empathy did. This was my sounding board for what bothered me.
Somehow both it and I evolved, however... it finally became what I originally intended it to be, a record of my transition from a bitchy, assumptive, abrassive twenty-something in to a... well, sometimes bitchy but much calmer thirty-something that is at least aware that she's making the assumptions when she thinks or acts. I'm kind of proud of the transformation, especially in the last few months.
For the first time since I began this blog, I started posting links to it publicly where anyone could find it and read. I guess I understand that people might read back through and be offended by the person I was who posted those things before (after all, she is inside me now, a part of what helped me grow to this point) but I think I've got the mental strength to take a step back and understand them, understand it's their initial reaction to seeing something I might not have mentioned to their face, and going from there.
I do expect fallout, but if there is no other lesson to be gleaned from this lifetime, it is "growth hurts like a bitch, and things change."
I suppose that's two things, but they skip hand in hand together as well.
I set out a few years ago to try and meditate, grow in understanding, empathy and compassion and become a decent Buddhist. While we aren't even done tying our shoelaces at the start line for the race to the enlightenment finish line, the shifts have already been enormous. I find my creative energy flows far more freely now. I try more things than before. But I also find that the fear is stronger, because the sarcasm and masks I used to hold up between myself and those who might look at my work are no longer there. Everything is raw because I am allowing it to touch me for the first time. Coupled with recent shifts in my physiology and it is very akin to going through puberty once more. Everything is immediate, raw, guttural, emotional... but it is also instinctive and based on intuition in a way I've never allowed myself to be before.
This person that emerged is actually fairly awesome, and I don't feel like I'm using inflated language to say so for the first time.
One of my favorite pieces of literature that I've read during this massive physical, mental and emotional transition has been The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. While he does suffer from overpopularity by people who don't think too deeply on his work and just like to have it on their coffee mugs, this one piece actually carries deep meaning. Most meaningful has been the short work on Love; specifically these words-

"When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning."

A pardon I ask for the Christian connotations of "crucify" in here, but it is quite correct.. if you're going to do any sort of growth, if you are going to really experience anything, then it is going to freaking HURT because you have to let it in there and root around. Make changes. Rearrange what you thought of things, how you react now. And being delicate flesh, fragile like glass but strong as stones, we ache as we undergo these transformations. Whenever I think on why it sucks so much to want to change things, my mind hearkens back to this and reminds me hey... change sucks but it is beautiful.

A very long post for sure, given how short they'd been (as well as inconstant). I felt it was becoming strangled by my fear of what I could not say publicly and it slowed to a halt under the pressure of the fear. I'm done with that now. I'll speak my mind, yes, but it will be done with understanding instead of judgment -at least as best as I can manage. I will let people read it. I will let people talk about it. I will even let people get angry about it, because I don't have control over that. I only have control over myself and my own growth, and I can't let fear of what might be get in the way.

When you realize that you've dropped the negativity and those who might bring it in to your life suddenly aren't talking to you as often, it's a good sign something's going right.

But that's a post for another day. :)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Actual Conversation # 94 - wherein characterizations are chosen by our heroine...

Me: If you knew somebody and they were an asshole, would they be a Jeremy or a Seth?
Bob: *thoughtful pause* Well, honestly, probably a Jeremy, but only because I'm thinking of Seth Rogen and he seems pretty funny.
(*note - I had not thought of Seth Rogen in thinking up the name. I could only recall Seth Greene and felt a twinge of guilt at the association, for he also seems pretty funny.*)
Me: Okay... I'll probably keep digging.
Bob: Well, it all depends on the guy and what they did.
Me: Okay. Well, I'm trying to find character names. Because I started this script and realized I never chose a name for my main character. I'm trying to find something that sounds like a real dick.
Bob: Try Brad.
Me: *long pause, testing the sound of it in my head* Brad.... that's pretty good...