Wednesday, February 4, 2009

When a Sleepy Person Starts To Dwell On Things.

... --- / .. / .--. --- -. -.. . .-. . -.. / -.. --- .. -. --. / .- -. / . -. - .. .-. . / .--- --- ..- .-. -. .- .-.. / . -. - .-. -.-- / .. -. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / ... .. -. -.-. . / .. - .----. ... / - .... . / ..--- ----- ----- - .... / . -. - .-. -.-- / .- -. -.. / ... ..- -.-. .... .-.-.-

But then I thought if I did the entire thing that way, it would be horribly pretentious. And since this doesn't support Cyrillic so hot, I guess I'll just do it in the normal Greco-Roman Alphabet.
Aaaand you know it's early when Greco gives you pause and makes you think you just typed out the name of an insurance company with a gecko mascot. Sweet.

It's a little over 3 months, one week until Japan and we're still researching where we want to go. I seriously doubt we could be bored even just wandering around and poking our heads down alleys, but it's nice to have some time planned out. I think we've accepted at this point that we want to do more than we have time for.
We've talked and agreed that the country deserves more exploring, especially since so many things we enjoy come from it. There's aleady talk of a 2011 trip where we spend a week on the train going north to south in Japan, taking stops at all the places we won't get a chance this time, like the ryokan and onsen, and Aokigihara. Take in some of the natural scenery of Japan instead of the cities, I suppose. I'd love to have that to look forward to as well, but it fights with the part of me that just wants to go in the spring and see if all the expense is worth it. My cynical side creeps out to protect my pocketbook and my hopes and dreams, I suppose?

I got a massive amount of sleep last night. For me, massive is 7.5 hours. I probably really got around 8, what with the impromptu nap I took in the middle of the evening right after dinner, but it was all for the better.
With all that sleep, I can't figure out why I'm still just as tired as I've always been sitting here. You ever get so tired your face hurts from your temples down to your cheekbones? Try it some time, it's an experience. There's no logical reason for your face to hurt there, yet it does. But I digress. I've had probably 8 hours of sleep, which should be plenty. I was wide awake when I got up. But when I came adnd sat down I immediately started fighting off the sleepiness. I'm wondering if I just have to catch up cumulatively and only by sleeping in 10 hour chunks will I catch up and be normal again.
As a demonstration, I actually nodded off there for a moment while typing this. Yay!
So more sleeps tonight for ME.
I think I'm done buying sock yarn. I have to be. It's ALL I HAVE right now. Like I haven't even tried to get yarn for other things. I just have enough for about 8 pairs of socks for myself, and 2 or 3 for Bob and other surprise folk. And for a ton of amigurumi toys and the other crappy handwarmer I knitted for myself the other day. But not much else. And with this over-abundance of sock yarn, I think I've doomed myself to just whipping them out over the next 6 months. Kinda boring. Now that I've been bitten, I want to try all sorts of things. I just don't really have the resources. And by resources, I mean I don't have the yarn. Unless it requires sock yarn. Then I'm golden.
I had me a little revelation the other day. All this time I have, for the most part, been irritated at the fact that I cannot identify the endgame in this existence. The final boss, the last puzzle, the final grand race that frees your Dad's farm from the evil bank's clutches... that just does not show up in day to day existence. But that didn't stop me from wanting it.
What's silly is that there really is only one endgame, and that's where your body stops functioning and they pronounce you to have carked it. (My spellchecker is trying to tell me I meant to say "caked" or "larked" on that. Nice.)
That's not a goal, that's just an event. Like eating. Or breathing. It just occurs. And there is no one particular goal or reason to continue to exist. It doesn't happen, and there is no answer out there. Unless you subscribe to the Hithchiker's view that it is "42", I suppose.
-Now, for any who think this is dipping in to the territory of the moody and emo, please wait and allow me to finish.-
This total lack of a point, or reason concerned me, but not so much as the idea that I didn't ~have~ one, while the rest of the populace seemed to, at least on some small level. Get job/married, have kids, grow old, retire, put in a good effort for all of these. And in my mind it seemed most folk knew what they wanted to do, what they wanted for a job, all of that. And I have been badly deluded, it would turn out.
Not everyone has a clue what's going on. Some of them just fell in to where they are, like myself. In fact, the more I come across folks, the more it seems like a LOT of us sort of kind of just ended up where we are, without any real plan about it.
So... in a bow to the existentialist philosophers that I thoroughly enjoyed reading growing up, I've decided that they are right. Life is only what you make of it, and if you want it to be a lot of hot women and fast cars, great. It's not like an assignment of Who You Are, it's just what you're doing. It's pretty much amoral in and of itself. You want to live in a monastery? A New York Penthouse? Go for it. It is so wide open and free that it would terrify most people, I feel. Because there is no one thing you're supposed to do or be. It's a string of things that you want to try out. Most people aren't really cool with that kind of personal power. You mean everything that is done or said is all because of my actions? OH MY GOD NO ONE TOLD ME I HAD THAT KIND OF RESPONSIBILITY! NOOOOOOO
So I was sitting here thinking since there is no external point, what, internally, did I want the point to be? And I realized that what I want more than anything is to create things. Things that people will read, or look at, or use, or listen to, and that they will enjoy. That's what I've always liked to do. And the cool thing about it is that goal can come in so many forms, there is no way I could become bored.
So that's my goal. To make things. Be it clothing, art, music, my webcomic (I'm thinking I"ll be returning to it once school is over...hopefully) toys I've made, things I've written... I'm going to make it the point of my existance to try out and create as much as possible, then turn it over to others to use. And I am very, very happy with this goal.
I can look back at any time and think "Alright, did I create something for people to enjoy today? Sweet. Moving on..." And I'll be on track.
I like it, I'm sticking with it. I may even write it on a note to keep with me, or create a bit o' calligraphy to hang on the wall for when I forget.
I'm also thinking shortly, once I leave work and get home, I shall create me a nap and partake of it promptly. Because I'm still sleeeeepy.
Oh, and knit socks. The perpetual socks.

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