Monday, January 28, 2013

Further Dumb

I just don't have it in me to going to further detail about all of the craziness. Just a quick rundown.
-I am incredibly sensitive to light and sound currently. Sound especially, as it feels like certain frequencies pierce my skull and destroy my ability to think straight.
-Missing sensation on parts of my body, although it is coming back slowly. I had large portions where I couldn't feel anything, but now it seems like there's more parts that can feel touch again than not. I am grateful.
-my sense of taste was completely gone for 2 days, but seems to be slowly coming back. Asof tonight   chocolate and coffee still taste like nothing but I can discern jasmine, vanilla, sweets, salties, and sort of pick up on spicy. It is sad to say that at one point earlier this week I ran upstairs in great excitement to tell my husband I could taste tomatoes. Tonight when I realized I could taste my favorite tea again,I actually cried.
-I couldn't smell anything, but this seems to be coming back fastest of anything. I could smell my favorite incense as of Friday night. Tonight I could smell the soap my husband used to wash his hands. It seems like the more delicate things are finally showing up.

It was an odd thing wandering around only being able to sense texture with my tongue, o scent or flavor to connect to what I was eating. A bowl of rice was the strangest thing I had ever encountered. I specifically stopped eating anything I liked because I knew it would upset me and right now I am ohhh so very sick of crying. *sigh*
The nightmares have toned down a bit, thankfully. I haven't woken up screaming although they have been somewhat unpleasant. Perhaps those are on the way out now, too.
Now I mostly do my best to keep sensory input at bay, wearing my sunglasses inside if I find things are getting to be too much. (Oddly I have discovered that wearing sunglasses and pulling the hood up on my hoodie or whatever I have goes a long way to cradle my brain. I relax more, and sounds don't hurt. It buys me half an hour before the headaches start up again.)
Now my focus is dealing with the great degree of pain that sound causes me. When we walked in to a Wegman's that was completely crowded today, I almost fled the place in a panic. My ears are still ringing. So now I'm scared that the fact I wear headphones, which funnels very loud sound straight into my ears, will prolong the healing that seems to be going on. Even just sitting here I have a high pitched tone and this is probably what tinnitus feels like. After a lot of sounds hit me,it jumps up toa shrieking tone and my head starts to pound.
Doctor's appointment in the AM to start the process of checking this out. i am hoping he gives me a note that keeps me out of headphones for a week, or however long it takes me to recover.
As far as flipping out.... I still get agitated far more easily than usual. I am worried about the confluence of loud noises, my short fuse to aggression and the ensuing headaches.
There are worse things to be worried about, of course. I could be in a war zone or the victim of white slavery. But for me, a soft and vulnerable middle class American female, walking around like a husk with the loss and magnification of the senses is enough to screw up my world. I felt dead for several days, just going through the motions. It felt nothing like what I identified being myself as, and threw me in to a spiral.
But maybe tomorrow the doctor says rest quietly, take this pill, get your blood flow up, and all will be well. That's what I want. I want to feel sensation on the bridge of my noise, be able to taste coffee, and be in a crowded place without all of humanity grating me raw. It doesn't seem like an impossible thing to ask for.

2 comments:

DestinDeya said...

Wow, I really can't imagine this degree of pain and disorienting ailment. I hope you feel better very soon! :-(

Red said...

Thanks, chica. You at least have some sort of idea, which makes it better. Having somebody who understands a thorough brain derping courtesy of chemicals is kinda nice, although the fact it happened is not.