Saturday, January 19, 2013


It has been a very long time since I have actually felt that I was living a life without meaning. It struck me very hard this evening, though. That I could do much more elsewhere, and my lack of ability and knowledge to get from current point A to point B is keeping me from helping others or fulfilling some.... I don't even know. At heart I am an existentialist, and have always felt there was no real "plan", per se. Just that I might one day fall in to what I was here for, and all would be well.
Maybe this growing feeling of dissatisfactionis just growing pains as I'm getting ready to move where I'm needed next. Or maybe it's me being petty and childish and failing to understand how an adult world works. There's no map for this stuff.
See, I never wanted to BE anything. When people kept asking me as a child what I wanted, it occured to me I needed to have ~something~ to respond with. I think it also eventually occured to me it needed to be the same answer, because each time I made up something different, somebody pointed out that I'd changed my mind (as if it had been made up). Evidently this made me "precocious". So the question devolved in to an answer of "Veterinarian" each time, because I liked animals. Maybe I really could be one, I thought, but I wasn't really interested in it.
So here I am, past 30, aimless and doing something that I don't particularly like because I'm damn good atit aand it isn't challenging. It also means I'm not using years of skills I've picked up and they're slowly atrophying. I am sitting here getting dumber even as I type this, feeling unfulfilled, battling meaninglessness. Like suddenly after a lifetime of floating suddenly I'll have direction and focus and purpose.
I don't even know where to go. I know what I want to do but not how. My life feels like a very small box that I am rattling around in, wasting precious time.

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