Friday, June 21, 2013


It is the Summer Solstice, and I used to be a pagan so I used to celebrate this as a holiday. Even sitting here now it makes more sense to celebrate a regular, mathematically calculable point in time based on what the planet is doing over some arbitrary religious or cultural day because, well, science. The sun is out a loooong time, just seems like a good thing to me. Being warm is awesome. Celebrating things is awesome. The earth staying in its regular orbit around the sun? Awesome. And necessary for the continuance of life.
Except today I didn't celebrate, like, at all. When I was at work I would bring in oranges or clementines for everybody and it was a cute little thing. I maybe lit candles or something. I haven't been pagan in at least a decade at this point, so any specific rituals are completely gone from my memory. And being Buddhist, there's just really not much of a call for it.
But still, it feels... sad. Empty. Like I was the only one slightly excited about today even though it's just a measure of time in the earth's rotation around the planet. And then I didn't do anything. Like I have no personal holidays, or if I do I forget to celebrate. Or I don't have the energy to celebrate.
I keep going back to "Maybe it's the baby, she's taking the energy out of me." because that is really a pretty damned good explanation. I just remember reading articles saying the second trimester is the one you're full of energy and running around, so it feels like maybe it's not the kiddo... maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just being an energetic slug and if I'd gotten out and about more I would have this 2nd trimester energy everybody's talking about...?
Or maybe I'm still recovering from 2 years of being in a dark cave under stressful conditions. It's only been 20 days. There's not a big chance that I've reversed it in that amount of time.
Anyway, getting back on track I just feel right now like life is spluh, and I'm not accomplishing anything, and at this particular moment I don't even have the mental energy to be excited about and come up with a way to celebrate the solstice. I got excited seeing some fireflies flipping around in the sky earlier, because I adore fireflies. But that's all I could muster.
I think, to quote a comic I saw recently, that my fish may be dead.Or dying. Or at least, the unholy ghost has swung by and is gearing up for a good sit on my chest. I get this way sometimes, where I just have a dip in everything and can't be bothered to care or have much energy. If I were honest with myself I would say it probably happens once a month and lasts for a day or two. I'm not a fan of them, but I've lived with it long enough to know that it does eventually go away and I'm okay again.
I just wish it weren't happening when I'm trying to create a new rhythm to my life. And I'm honestly surprised it hasn't gotten worse with all the hormones and mood swings I'm supposed to be going through.
The funny thing is, I realized my spouse saw it coming. He's been asking me if I'm okay this morning, saying that I just seemed like I was off, or upset, or frustrated. I wasn't. In fact, the first time he asked me I was enjoying a short story I found online and it caught me off guard. So maybe it affects the physiology first and then worms its way in to my brain and makes me want to wear sweatpants and sleep forever and not do anything.
I do know one thing... people being utterly awesome helps drag me out of it faster, and when I find that someone has been incredibly clever, or mind-blowingly creative, it makes me realize that things are okay, there is air to breathe, and the hole isn't so deep to climb out of.
I'm just having a very hard time finding my People-Being-Awesome ladder out of this stuff tonight, and I'd like to not worry my spouse if possible. Maybe a solstice is just a solstice and it can pass no harm done. Maybe June 22nd will be an awesome day for me instead. In fact, I think I'll be totally arbitrary and have fun on the 22nd instead and that will fix things.
Thanks for putting up with me emptying my head.

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