Saturday, March 2, 2013

A Little Scare Today...

I am an overweight middle aged female on her second pregnancy (the first having ended in a miscarriage when I was a tender 18 years of age) and therefore every single article and website out there regarding age and pregnancy is fond of saying:


Which is actually retarded because it's no longer so unusual for women to have babies in their 30's. It just usually takes the world 2 decades to catch up with what's actually going on culturally and adjust its old wives' tales and general misinformation accordingly.

Let me tell you, second to masturbation I have NEVER come across anything regarding the functioning of the human body so wrapped up in superstition, 50 year old medical advice, and general bad ideas. Really. Like someone decided all of the old crap that wasn't really accurate should just be moved on to the net anyway because reasons. And half of it isn't true. In case you can't tell, it's making me angry because it means people are reading this without necessarily verifying it independently and it's just the continuation of bad information. It's already scary enough being pregnant, it's just cruel to perpetuate some of this stuff.

But all that said, we come back to the simple fact that I am NOT a good specimen of health, and now with the pregnancy and the sleepiness I am actually putting on a lot of weight. So it's gotten uncomfortable for me very quickly. I need to lose weight. And hey, let's be honest, I need to be younger.  But that ain't gonna happen (the last part, that is) I could have complications. Life is unpredictable.

I had a horrible night courtesy of a nagging cough on the tail end of bronchitis where I got utterly no sleep. I actually fell asleep for all of 5 minutes around 4:30 or 5 am. During that time I had a dream that somebody texted me and asked "How's your second heart? :D " (I've been refering to the baby as my second heart a lot) to which I texted back. "Gone. I have no idea what to do with these baby clothes now."
Yeah. Shockingly morbid.
And any other day I would write this off as just being something strange, because I have been having a TON of bizarre dreams since pregnancy has hit me.
Except that I woke up abruptly after that, and promptly experienced a very sharp cramp, followed by a dull pain.
Thinking it was just my body being irked at me for laying weird, I got up and went to the bathroom.... where I promptly found blood.
And then I freaked out.
I jumped on the internet and read through forums asking about bleeding at 2 months... and of course, all of the horror stories are front and center about horrible double miscarriages and painful ejections of fetuses and all of that glorious stuff that honestly they should have a filter for (Google? There's an algorithm for you. Return information ONLY and not blind supposition with anecdotal "evidence". That'd be pretty hot.) But the over-arching theme was "You need to get to the doctors or the ER and have an ultrasound immediately."
I actually stopped and debated, courtesy of a childhood where I was guilt tripped for crying when my ears hurt or I needed to be taken to the ER (a product of lack of money, not moral character, I am coming to realize) whether or not I should wake Bob up. After all, if it was just spotting then I was about to cause us to spend a LOT of money over nothing. I actually sat there and cried, and the dog heard me and came downstairs to curl up with me while I debated.
I finally went upstairs around 5:30 and told Bob, decided I needed to see the ultrasound and I needed to be informed if I was about to experience a miscarriage.
I think we were at the hospital perhaps 20 minutes later, including dressing time. We held hands and kept reassuring one another it was okay, we just needed to be sure.... but we were both fairly messed up and scared. I did my best to be calm so as not to upset Bob, but in a moment of awesomeness when I said "I am okay," he turned to me and demanded "NO. HOW ARE YOU REALLY?" and I got to admit I was scared. Because he is awesome, and we are partners and I think he knew it would be lonely to feel like you might be worrying on your own.
We filled out paperwork on arrival, then I was asked if I needed a wheelchair. Twice. And I had no idea, but told them I was ambulatory, so in we walked.
While we waited for them to run the bloodwork and finish wiring me up for heart rate and other fun stuff, we held hands and repeated back and forth to one another "Everything is okay." "Everything is okay." like a small mantra. We held eyes, too, because I needed to see that he believed it, and he saw that I believed it. This was fucking important.
About 3 hours, several nice people and a thorough ultrasound later and we had no answers, but they told me there was no reason for the body to try and kick the baby out. It was still growing furiously and the heartbeats were much stronger than on Thursday, plus everything was in the right proportion. The overnight PA informed me that all looked well and to just take it easy. Then the shifts changed, he told us to have a good day, and the dayshift doctor came on.
Shit bedside manner. He just rattled off what the PA had told us already, but without the gentleness. "Sometimes miscarriages just happen in the first trimester, there's really not much we can do about it but watch it happen. There's no signs as to why this started." Now, that doesn't sound too harsh, but it was his delivery. Rushed, as if having been there 10 minutes he suddenly already didn't have time for us even though there were only 2 other patients in there at the time.
Thanks. Ass. You're the kind of person people tell sour stories about. Seriously.
Anyway, we went and had pancakes and talked, and I am following the doctor's advice... lots of rest (not bed rest, just no jogging or heavy weight lifting or anything of that sort) and 3 weeks with no "relations" of any sort. That will not be a problem. I feel so incredibly unsexy right now, it isn't even funny.
I am scared, yes. We have no idea what caused it and there was a brief return of the spotting later on this evening, but it seems to have calmed now. I am just hoping nothing weakened.
Medical science is great, but just useless sometimes. Thankfully insurance covered this little side trip.
I've had enough of health things for now. I want this bronchitis totally gone, and I want to be healthy enough to exercise and lose weight. I am horribly uncomfortable and none of my pants fit me anymore, which upsets me to no end. That's no good. I need to be healthier for this kid.

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