Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I don't remember what I've said when, and really I'm not in a place to go back and trace all my words over the last month, but there's a good chance I'm about to repeat myself. I thought I should warn you in case you see a pattern repeating itself and got concerned you were in some weird sci fi short story suddenly where the Hadron Collider magically directly impacted your life. No, friend, it is not that. It's just that I am this freakin' tired and I just want to run a constant stream of consciousness on to the page here. My thoughts, and therefore my words, tend to be circular. So we may revisit some old topics here.
My grandmother died. I know I mentioned that somewhere. I believe I even ruminated on death and how that just appears to be "it", for lack of a better word. Everything that you are just stops cold. If there's no one else around to recall that or pass it along, then that's it. Just like the end of Blade Runner, which always brings me to tears. Tears in the rain, as it were.
September has been a hell of a month. I am usually incredibly busy in September but this just took the cake for wtfscheduling. It was a combination of forethought and planning, last minute additions, and at least one "Well, this happened and we have to deal with it RIGHT NOW." Went to Maine with my now-husband (which makes it sound like I intend to have a different one in a few minutes. Funny, but not true.) for 4 days of romance and reminiscing that I'm glad we got to have. My grandmother died, so we got together as a family and put her in the ground and I watched grown men cry who have never done anything but been sarcastic the majority of their lives. We drove around to see old schools and houses, and it was fun to get a feel for the area and see everything like this. There was a thin veneer of goodbye as much as there was one of passing info along to the next generation. I did wonder in passing if my Mom was attempting to butt up against the eventual loss of information by showing us everything. I did that before with Bob, showing him my old report cards and items from kindergarten and dance outfits from past recitals. I understand that.
The house I was born in, by the way, was probably flooded out in the rains this past week, and it was fucking eerie to know and be reminded of that on the news. I had newfound concern for something weather-related. It's not my house, but I feared it would be destroyed. Silly, isn't it?
I got married, on top of everything else. It was incredibly fun, but even as I sit here I worry that I didn't spend enough time with people individually or properly thanked them all for coming. At ~some~ point this week I would like to sit down and write thank you notes to people for coming. But all that aside, the end result is that I am hitched to an awesome man -and I mean the dictionary definition of awesome, thanks much- who I love and who appears to really think highly of me in return.
I became a vegetarian. I decided to NOT cut all ties with my family because they were not, as imagined, jerks to me when I showed up in Georgia. In fact, I'm wishing to reach out to all of them, just no idea how. We both got sick and spent our first week hacking and coughing and being miserable. We decided we wanted to rearrange our lives around a puppy, the first level of scary responsibility. I may take up NaNoWriMo again in November. I may knit the hubby a sweater, which I have never done before. And all the meanwhile I'm still going to school and changing topics every 5 weeks with blinding speed. Yet I'm managing a B at this point.
In short... I am doing a LOT. I'm doing it all within a short time span. And I appear to be surviving it.
I'll keep you posted on how this all goes. Now that I've had this brain-dump to get it all sorted and in writing actual thoughts might return to me instead of reactions to things going on, and that would be nice. Leads to smiling more often.
I'm tired. I think there's more but for now... at'll do. That's what my brain wants to part with.

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