I really didn't plan for any of this to happen, I must be honest. When I set out umpteen billion years ago (really, I'm that old) I thought to myself that just because there's no path doesn't mean there will always not be a path, and surely something will arise. Surely. That's what they promise in the books they sell and the music they sing and the shows they broadcast. Your life's purpose is filled with Joy and Laughter and will Just Feel Right when you hit it.
It is, my friends, utter bullshit. It is also an alarmingly popular industry to tell people they need to have a point to exist. It isn't that they don't have a point, it's that the existing pre..well...exists... the point. You already ARE. You are HERE. You are NOW. So... do something with it. If it's scratching your ass, penning an Aria or flipping someone off in traffic, you know... that is THE point. Whatever you're doing right now is pretty much what you're meant to be doing. Everything on earth and in the heavens has converged on that place in time and space and all roads have led to whatever action you take. Do whatever. There is no "right" path. There's only the path you choose to forge ahead on because it seems like the best direction to go. Become a senator, become a stripper, don't work at all and live off your parents. Whatever. It's a moment in time perpetually and it's YOURS.
Just... try your best not to hurt anybody with it, it's the best and most we can ask of and do for each other.
I have made no secret that my path doesn't exist. I have come to believe that in this life I reflect more of those around me and the location I have currently come to rest in than I have actually had personal will or means. My hobbies come and go, my interests come and go. I collect knowledge like some philatelists store bits of paper and glue in large tomes heavy with the weight of time and history. I just know stuff and remember stuff. It's what my head does best, acquiring tricks and talents and bits and bobs of knowledge for use later on. It has never NOT come in useful later on, something that to this day amuses me, but not so much as it scares me a bit. There's no path, yet I'm always prepared with skills I needed, learned years before. I sometimes wonder if predestination isn't something I should've dismissed out of hand years ago when these things happen.
All of this seems like a build up to something big and scary and momentous, and on one hand Yes. The other, No. Parts of me are well aware that I wander because I enjoy it and love the freedom to pick up and leave things as I needed to know or be known to them. This included people, to a degree, though they have proven far harder to pick back up again and forced a revision in how I act towards them. They aren't resources like books, you see, to be re-checked out of the library. People remember when you disappear for 3 years and are shocked when you're suddenly happy to see them again. It's hard to explain, and I'm fairly sure few will understand that it was a Big Stupid Misunderstanding on my part.
An outgrowth of this free-flowing form was that I dropped my degree as easily as some people set down the jar of mayonnaise they decide not to buy at the supermarket. I couldn't deal with it, didn't like it anymore, and learned everything I thought I could from it and moved on. Per usual, the true lessons of the time made themselves known later and had nothing to do with the schooling itself.
See...I got married. And it was beautiful and joyous and happy and I have never been so certain that I wanted to stay with another person in my life. Everyone has agreed that it's an excellent match, and I am grateful to have found another human being that can keep up with me tit for tat and give as well as he gets. I'm not a religious person, so it carries weight when I say that I am blessed to be with my husband and share a life with him. There is a level of intimacy that I haven't experience with another human being since I physically separated from my mother's body at birth and something that was, until I met him and was willing to open myself up to him, incomprehensible to me. I was me. The rest of the world was there to be experimented with and learned from then on to the next thing. Rinse, repeat.
Except that somewhere in the last few months something that might be called a miracle happened. I stopped. I slowed down. I held out my hand when he held out his and agreed to stop in this time and place and just be. Be happy. Be safe. Be friends and lovers and philosophers together. I was resistant to the idea, thinking of the freedoms I loved, the ability to just drift off to something different and test drive life there. But not this time. This time he was there and I realized I wanted to come to rest. And in his arms, next to his heart, was the best place I could conceive of.
What I didn't know in my wanderlust was that I had a great overview of many things, but a depth of knowledge in none of them. The longer I stay the more I see that it isn't really giving up one thing for another, just adjusting how I intercept my data, run my experiments, gather my knowledge. You see, despite what many women grumble about with men making them settle down, I didn't. I asked him if I could stop and be with him, and he agreed. We talked, realized it would be a nice thing to start drifting more slowly, together, and tied the knot.
I could go on about the kind of person it would take to bring me to a screeching halt, considering the normal life of a house, a dog and kids. These thoughts weren't even a part of my life until I met him. It's scary, but the "what if??"s are having a field day and I still enjoy the thrill of future-prospecting in my spare time. Me as a mother. Me as a homeowner. Me as an equal partner with a man that challenges me and makes things fun. Uncertainty is a nice bedfellow and I am enjoying it even as it makes me stumble in doubt. Seeing a general outline of a plan has given me pause for once.
That being said, I am very happy to be where I'm at. Overjoyed, in fact. I had no way of knowing I would be here when I first started to wander in my teenagedom. And even as I rest here I know that what appears to be permanent is not. Small things will shift, move, disappear, reappear and just bugger off entirely. Right now, though, it's wonderful to be a part of something that relies on me for gestalt, but could get along without me.
As an aside my first weekend spent with my husband was done in bed, but for less than salacious reasons. We were both very sick and spent most of it sleeping near each other, hobbling about and getting each other tea or theraflu or hot foods to try and make ourselves feel better. If the Universe is listening, we do not need to stress-test the rest of the vows, we're good here. Thanks.
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