Wednesday, August 12, 2009

And lo, the mighty state of Penn's Woods said thou art as the leech in the canal, and shall suck the lifeblood of our coffers in your down-time...

The state of Pennsylvania says I was a good worker-bee and deserve some money for not being a previous burden. I'll be seeing it shortly.
I get 26 weeks to find a new job, as well. Can't really complain about that, especially with everything that's going on with school and the wedding, etc...

It's a bit of a relief, because it means I'll be able to at least pay some of the bills coming in. But on the other hand... I'm taking money from the state. And I can't get over how much of a leech it makes me feel. Like somehow I've failed because I didn't bounce straight to another job as I've been able to the last 6 years.

The side of me that invests heavily in logic and the side of me that honors what my parents told me about working your hardest and not taking hand outs are at war inside of me. I have relief, and guilt over the relief, and guilt over the source of relief. I'm almost Jewish in all of this.

At least I can pay for my car, and my phone, and the internet and rent... at least we won't have huge problems because of my lack of training in the past and my slowness to acquire new training to move forward. At least we can eat, and at least I'm warm and have friends who lend me business suits for interviews and are willing to drive across creation to attend a wedding I can't properly reimburse- or thank people enough- for attending. And at least I have all of this time to focus on how I'm letting my thoughts on who I ~should~ be interrupt who I am in this moment.

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