Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Mental garage sale... anybody want some bottled anger?

I am getting married. There. Now I can say it out loud to the whole internet.

I. Am getting. Married.

And I have never been more certain of doing something in my life, unless you count the time I was utterly sure it would be funny to hide Bengay, KY Jelly and rubber gloves in Mom's grocery cart. I was absolutely right on that, so my track record is now at 100%.

I just wish the stupid place would call and tell me the ring is sized. It feels like a phantasmic fog until the evidence is there, physical and touchable, on my finger. I guess because the first time felt like nothing at all, handed a ring I didn't get to help pick out or have any say in, I'm nervous. I'm nervous the ring won't actually show up and all of this is just a mirage and I got my hopes up. I am afraid the symbol of our sharing, our cooperation and our partnership will evaporate and I am left feeling immature and stuck in a rotational life of... I don't even know. Going through the motions? Just putting up with things?
So much over such a small thing. It's funny how much power symbols and associations hold over people -myself included.
I'm going to say it now although I wouldn't dare before. It was banal, boring and actually incredibly ugly. Like a yin-yang with a yellow rock stuck in it, from my fiance who decided to believe the jeweler that he needed to get me an actual gemstone instead of the amber I really loved. The guy who was so fast to fly along with the status quo in living his life that I'm surprised he didn't get whip-lash, yet talked about how open-minded he was...and then was shocked and surprised and angered when I didn't behave exactly as was expected for my role as gf or fiance or wife. Like begets like, I suppose.
I suppose it is time to vomit up all the old vitriol to get it out of the way, as I now have something that is loving and respectful to replace it with. I would far rather clean out the interior to make room for that than hold on to it, although it's still a very old and rather deep wound. It's my hope that I don't get in the middle of clearing all this old stuff out and end up taking it out on Bob. I already go in to rants about my previous husband and how much he sucked, who knows what sort of crap this will dredge up. :(

But all of this aside, I am still happy. I have a partner, and I am getting married.
And I'm really sick of everybody saying "We all knew you were perfect for each other!"
Congrats... but Bob could've been running a bestiality fetish site for all you guys knew and it might've torn us apart as the revenue fell off due to federal crackdown. So, yes, well observed but bear in mind all details are not always known! :P
(And no, there's no site. Fret not)
I'm sleepy and hormonal. Wish I could nap. Short weekend, have to keep telling myself it'll be a short weekend. Then we go to the beach, which I love. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to having the sand between my toes, gull cries and surf in my ears, and salt water in my nostrils (literally, if I don't hit a wave right). I'm really excited.
In other news, my holga shots came back from the mail-order place. The colors are horrible and they cut off the extra images at the beginning and ends of every roll I sent to them. That's a full 30 pictures. And they only sent me the 10 images they developed, so there's no other negatives for me to go back and say "Pardon me, could you do this too...?" I thought it was grossly unprofessional of them to do it that way... just get rid of somebody's work like that. So, yes, I will be going elsewhere. But in other news, MOST of the photos from Japan made it back, and while they are all very grey thanks to the development process (There's no way it looks like it was raining the entire trip when most were taken on a bright sunny day) you can still tell some of the colors.
The only thing they didn't entirely screw up were my black and white shots, which they did manage to over and underdeveloped quite a few on. I actually got some really, really nice ones. So to test out the theory that it's not the film or the camera, I'm sending them somewhere else to be developed. If it comes back that way ~again~, I'll know it's not the film, it's that I need more lightning for the camera.
As an aside, I was featured today on MySpace by a writing group that uses artwork from chosen deviantArtists as inspiration. I'm flattered, and also blushing like crazy at the compliments they're giving my work. I always thought of it as mediocre, they really seem to like it. I guess it's good to bring me back in to perspective. Pageviews =!! Talent. (Little coding joke there)
Tonight I'm faxing off my paperwork to officially roll over to the Software Engineer. I can't reiterate enough how excited I am to have an actual ~career~ now instead of just something to bring in money. Money is good, but I am one of those people who's got to have a point to what she's doing or she will be eternally unhappy. Even more so if it doesn't allow her to be creative and use her brain. And if the Ronin Mensch ain't happy...well... things start to happen to relieve the tedium and employers start tearing their hair out. So really it's the best and most compassionate choice for yours truly to move over to something where she'll be challenged.
Oh, and also? I am getting married.

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