Friday, June 26, 2009

A Few Things I Would Love...

...given my propensity for being frustrated about things lately that are out of my control but for the idea of caring about them. I present to you a list:

~I would love for the people on deviantArt to stop equating breast-shots and nude women with art. There's a point when you're just whoring out subject matter to get attention. Sadly, the majority is pre- and post-pubescent teens and 20 something males who gum up their keyboards to your work. Tits aren't art. Naked tits in an industrial alley way are not art. Painting tits...not art. I have no issue with the human form until it's used strictly to drum up attention. Then you're basically a cable TV network.

~I would love to listen to my first inclination on things. SO many times I have thought one thing only to second guess myself 0.5 seconds later, then realize I was correct initially and regret the "logical" decision that I overlay on my impressions. I am a creature of intuition before all else and logic is a robe I wear necessarily, but without any clue about how, when, why, or if you pin it on the shoulder to keep it from sliding off.
For instance... many times I looked at items in Kyoto and thought "I should grab that" or items when we wandered around Shinjuku and thought they would be lovely to bring home. Upon returning home I realized 2/3rds of what we'd grabbed was gifts for other people and we were left with a handful of items that only barely covered the time we spent there and the things we saw. Now that all but the sharpest details are fading from memory and it is only a month later, I find myself constantly regretting not picking up more items that reminded me of the place and the culture and all of the wonderful things we saw. I regret not taking all of the photos I thought about snapping. We could've gotten more film. Mostly I regret not listening to that voice that whispers quietly "Do this now... this is what is necessary in this moment."
Impulsive, perhaps, but rarely have these moments led me wrong.
~I would love it if I gave myself permission to sit down and do something that's on my mind. I lock so much energy up in doing things I "should" be doing in that minute instead of what is on my mind that I sometimes end up sitting there doing nothing at all.
I have had a few paintings waiting in the wings and my latest volume of "Bride of the Water God" sitting on the coffee table. I have been dying to work on them or read, but each time I think of it, I then tell myself there are dishes to be cleaned, or laundry to be folded, or any other number of things. Subsequently, I only sort of do what "should" be worked on, half-assing it, and I'm miserable because I want to work on something else and I'm not letting myself. Yet the second I actually do it, I get a rush of energy that carries me through the rest of the "shoulds" lightning-fast. I would also love to remember this!
~I would love to have faith in myself and just do something instead of stopping to study if I know everything about how to do it, especially how to do it right. I'm guessing everybody who's done everything wasn't prepared for everything when they did whatever "it" was they chose to do, and I need to let go of my fears and my perfectionist streak... at least insofar as it gets in my way from starting or completing something. I don't lose fingers or go to jail for making adjustments after the fact. Somehow I need to convince my brain of that.

That's pretty much it. Right now utterly nothing of importance is going on and life is like normal. We're going to the Celtic Fling tomorrow, a perennial favorite of ours (the Scotch eggs are a necessary evil as cuisines go) and at some point I will fold laundry. Desperately exciting stuff, folks, I mean it...
Oh, and one last thing. I officially put in to have my major changed from networking to programming. I'd rather write the commands that make the beast go than be the one that has to make it perform after the fact. I would love for a chance to be creative every day and I think that would allow me to be. I feel really, really good about the decision. Now we'll see if my advisor kills me for changing my mind after she's stated she already has all of my classes scheduled out for me as a networking major. Heh.

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