Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes....

Nothing quite like a 45-mile-long hydroplane to make your commute super-interesting. I don't believe there's any adrenalin left in me little glands right now.

A few thoughts that are sage wisdom to me right now:

~Snickers really satisfies. It's the peanuts that do it, because a Milky Way doesn't do jack shit if you have a Snickers craving. Possibly eating peanuts with a Milky Way bar would do the trick.

~If someone says something is really difficult to do, try it. Not for bragging rights, but so you can see where they might have gotten caught up. It gives you a little insight in to other peoples' thoughts on things.

~Homemade chicken noodle soup is awesome. If you can do that instead of canned, it will be worth the wait. Bob and I had our first Cooking Together Tuesday and chose turned out awesome.

~Wave to kids on school buses. They still get a kick out of it, even with as savvy and world-wise as they've become these days.

~If you think something is wrong and you know how to take care of it, just do it. Don't think about it. Don't ponder getting over it eventually or waiting for it to pass. Just do it. Things will fall in to place for it to happen.

~Make something by hand every week. This time we live in can make one feel very alienated from who they are and what they can do. You may be a secretary, but also hold several 1st place ribbons for Meringue dancing. You're a lawyer, but none since Shakespeare have penned such pithy quatrains. Do it. Even if you're bad at it, do it. So many times we do and do and do for others in terms of families and jobs... take a moment to just make something that has no specific point and is only for you. Stash it somewhere secret and smile about it to yourself from time to time.

~Snow is sacred the way the burnished leaves of fall are sacred, the way the droning locusts of summer are sacred, the way the first crocuses of spring are sacred. Sacred the way the fireplace on a cold night is, sacred the way sunburns after a day playing outside are. Sacred the way getting sand from the beach off your feet is, or raking up the first pile of leaves to jump in. Take a moment to remember that, smile at it, and honor it. These things are fleeting and pass by very quickly.

~Failing is awesome. It means you can see how well you improved the next time you try something. That's a bigger ego boost than getting it right the first time, and you learn more. Knowledge is infinitely sexy.

~You can never know exactly what loved ones or coworkers are thinking. Usually it has nothing to do with you. Try to breathe and remember that when they get stressed. It's never personal. And most of the time they even love you. :)

~When you know you're not meant to do something or be somewhere anymore, exit gracefully. Don't waste time in hemming and hawing, don't cause drama by making a loud exit, or taking too long to exit. Just slip out, move on, and when people ask what happened, remember it is far easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. You will be considered "quirky", but "deep".

And speaking of that, a small bubble that popped in my mind this afternoon...

12:30 PM, Wednesday January 28th, 2009...
"I am really, really not supposed to be here. I'm done with this place, it's wrong for me."

This is the wrong place for me to be working, although I am not sure if it is now the wrong time. I'm still needed, but it drains me to come here. I yell and get upset and take it out on my beloved, who does not deserve it. I get sick far too often from the stress. I am at times downright miserable and so depressed it becomes hard to breathe. And that it took THIS extent of personal hell for me to formally recognize this just speaks to how much I doubt myself. Too busy being strung along by the thoughts of appearing to be a flake for not staying in any one place for too long, I didn't listen to myself. And now I'm in a position to be stuck here, frustrated, for many moons until the contract is over by this same thinking. I'm just trying to get up the nerve to move along in a bad economy.

Really, I'm only happy when I am writing or creating. I've no idea at all how to parcel that out in to a living, but it needs to happen. I was upset all day until I started this journal entry, then immediately calmed down. I was a bit angsty last night until I picked up and started to knit on Bob's V-tine's Day socks. There is something about the creative process that fills me and closes the circuit so I can feel whole and "circulating". That needs to happen somehow.

It's necessary to keep reminding ones' self that nothing is permanent. The second you start to think things will never change is the second you start ~really~ lying to yourself.
I used to ride a bike along the same stretch of road every day. And every day I thought about how things basically looked the same. Then it occurred to me that was just the overall appearance. Every day something shifted, be it the locations of the leaves in the gutter, the gravel on the sidewalk, the height of the grass. There was no way to know or keep track of it all, and I hurt my head trying to even conceive of it all.
Even better, if enough small changes happen, it results in one BIG change, and it's so subtle it almost doesn't catch your attention. So... if the picture looks too big, take a small bite out of the corner and work from there. It'll happen.

And this giant pep talk now comes to a close. I feel drained but okay.

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