Monday, September 17, 2007

Useless Super Hero Skills

So often the question is asked... if you were to suddenly obtain super-human powers, what would you want to have?
Most people respond happily that they want to fly, or be invisible, or have telekinesis. But we're missing an essential issue in asking the question.
First off, did any super hero ever CHOOSE to have the power they were given? From the various comics I have Unless you count Batman. But he's not really super-human so much as pissed off, determined, and RIPPED. Which is similar. But back to the point of this paragraph, most super heroes were either born with their powers, received them at puberty, or got them after some massive accident. And at no point did they bring out a birthday cake and say Okay little Timmy! You're 8 now! You're a man! Do you want to be able to lift objects thousands of times your weight, or would you like to be able to shoot lasers from your head?
Doesn't happen.
Therefore I would posit that someone suddenly obtaining super powers does NOT get the choice and I wanted to showcase a few of the less-than-stellar abilities possible.

The Porphyria Touch
Like the Midas Touch, except instead of gold everything you touch becomes the same hue of purple. -

~Your grandmother is in the midst of knitting a sweater and discovers that she's bought yarn from two different dye lots. Problem solved!
~Easy hair dye solution for your goth friends.
~You have a legitimate excuse to sport cool leather gloves like Rogue.

~Figuring out how to wear gloves in the shower. Purple skin is only sexy in Star Trek and Andromeda.
~You're screwed if you don't like purple.
~Wiping your eyes first thing in the morning can become risky.
~You can never ever ever give your significant other a hand job.

The Krige Effect
The ability to find and remember when Alice Krige is in any film format including photographs, film and TV specials. -

~ You will always win any drinking games involving Alice Krige.
~ The phrase "I bet you $5 Alice Krige is in this old movie" is always followed by someone handing you five bucks.

~ Only really useful in betting situations or as a trick akin to "Kevin Bacon" at cocktail parties.
~ With the growing popularity of Alice Krige, chances are slim that you will be able to win a bet based on her most recent run of films. Everybody knows what the Borg Queen looks like now.

Milk Sense
The intuitive knowledge of the exact moment in time when a dairy product will go bad. -

~ No more surprises when one opens the dairy drawer of the fridge.
~ Special consideration given for your application to quality control or your local dairy council.

~ Friends may stop inviting you over due to your tendency to inform them about the contents of their fridge.

More will be forthcoming as they occur to me.

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